saminderbai suryakant deshmukh

 

                     My Ajji and who is fondly called 'vahini' by everyone else passed away in last week of November. since I remember she always had difficulty with her health and particularly her mobility, I for a fact never seen her walking straight without any aid. But since last year things spiraled so much so that the body I saw burning was not even a fraction of what Saminderbai was. Just like any other person from her generation we are assuming that she was 78 when she breathed her last. Her going was anticipated by everyone, ironically couple of months back everyone even started gathering thinking that this is the moment, but Ajji wasn't willing to leap over to another realm. Looking at her condition everyone since past year were praying for her suffering to end. She could not walk. she couldn't go to toilet. she couldn't even scratch her back. The pads that were continuously clinging to her stomach used to irritate her. The last time I saw her alive was couple of months back. She was just a fragment of what she used to be. lost in weight and speech, could not sit. being the eldest grandson she did recognize me. in her last days she was brought from Tatya's home to our home so that the visiting relatives will have space to sit . She was lying there on a air bed. She could not wear saree now so a big scarf was around her body. on right side of the bed was kept traditional 'tambya' of water and above it was a quarter of bhakari which my kaki has kept for her. and a line of small black ants was encircling that bhakri and going all the way around her neck to other side of bed. I pushed the tambya and bhakari aside and cleaned the ants off her neck,  As I sat, as always the moment she saw me a drop of tear trickled down her face and vanished into her loosely combed hairs. Her tears have never bothered as much as they should be, may be it was just a routine. looking at her in that situation one imagines how true the debate around euthanasia is. of all the toiling and hard work of her life , of all the goods and bads she experienced, of all the moments of happiness she enjoyed , my Ajji was not graced with a dignified last journey. Rather her journey was a consistent contemplation of regrets and loss, not just physical but emotion one. 

                    Saminder Shinde of Shirapur village married to Suryakant Deshmukh of Mohoj. Both in same taluka, and both had some common relatives. Sometimes my father love to float the idea that it was a love marriage because both Saminder and Suryakant used to spend some childhood time in antarwali village where common relatives used to stay. I dont remember asking ajji about it. But for all practical purposes it was and will always be an arranged marriage between deshmukhs and shinde. Saminder was the second eldest bahu of deshmukh household. and eldest couple's migration to other village has made Saminder de-facto 'mothi sunbai' of the household. the gap between Suryakant and younger brothers was so much so that Saminderbai had to take care of them like her own sons, cleaning their bums, to combing their hairs. Unlike the name suggest Deshmukhs never enjoyed wealth. for all the reasons they were small landholders. So Ajji's life had gone mostly serving her husband, children, inlaws and rest in farm. She carried just like other similarly situated women, the burden of her gender throughout her life. 

                       Saminder gave birth to five children of which four survived, one girl named lata could not see her first birthday. So my aatya 'mangal' , then my father, then my tatya, and the youngest one shyam kaka. My baba as much as I remember was really a good looking fairer person with sharp nose , the traits as nature would have it passed down to my uncles, while my ajji was , lets say quieter features like round face and flat nose have come down to my father and as luck would have it to me. So one can say whether i like it or not , my ajji survives more in me than my cousins. Her lifeprints are the legacy that I will carry along with big foots and joint pains. unfortunately her laughter is something that stayed with my father. both of them look really beautiful when they laugh. 

                      She would have died in peace had life not taken an uneven turn. Around 2011-12 Shyam kaka hanged himself. Smartest and most beautiful person of that generation gave away his life. it was my baba who saw his son's body hanging to dish tv wire, tongue coming out of his mouth and eyes lost all the life. As said somewhere , no father should have misfortune of seeing his son's pyre. My baba and ajji saw the most unfortunate. Shyam kaka was most loved of all and still he did not choose to live. Both my baba and ajji could never deal with the loss. Both were living with my middle uncle Tatya, who has been a silent shravankumar of the house, my father dealth with all the finances, and big decision but tatya was there for everything else, Tatya never rebelled against Baba and Ajji, my father did and the effect was papa along with me and didi have remained bit distant from baba. 

                       while the household  was dealing with Shyam kaka's loss , Baba left. it was as sudden as meteor hitting the earth. He was in his sixties, and was completely healthy at least we thought so. papa even had his full body check up done at district headquarters. It felt so absurd that just hours before papa had met him before leaving for Newasa and he even shouted at papa for some electricity issue. and while driving back to newasa papa gets a call that dada is no more. That was the only day i saw a forty five year man crying like a 10 year old. head hidden within crossed legs and shivering, at loss of breath. Lets just wish that no one would have to see their father crying the way I saw it. I was in eighth standard and completely indifferent , sitting along side my crying father , sometimes pulling his hand and shoulder.  

                       Ajji was now at loss of her husband and son. two things that are seen misfortune in hindu religion both were part of her destiny. she suffered paralysis attack, she had high blood pressure, despite everyone pushing her she refused to exercise , even daily walking wasnt part of her life. i remember being with her when she was admitted for pneumonia, and then once when doctor refused to do knee surgery out of fear of her age and improbable recovery. She could not sit in a normal car, so we always have to book a rickshaw form Mohoj all the way 50 km to Ahmednagar every time she had an appointment at hospital. She could not see the new house, she could not witness marriage of Didi. 

                       for multitude of reason me and didi were not close to ajji, but in her last 5-6 years, as we grew in maturity and ajji also with contemplations became more forthcoming to us. Ajji wasnt all goody goody all of her life. She had her share of mistakes. My mother's relation with her along with our childhood memories determined our relationship with ajji for larger part of our adult life. Despite everything my mother says ajji was a hardworking women and she never indulged into matters of others. My father inherit no property from my grandfather, and any way baba did not have enough property , so baba decided to leave my father without anything for reason that among the three he is one with job while other two are not financially strong. However my ajji in her last years wanted to give me the share of land which she owned. And I always said to her , 'mala nko tuza te pandhara mann'. 

                        Now she is gone. by the time my children are born she will but a one of the ancestors. even in my own memory she will be a vanishing thought. She was one of many thousands of women who followed what their parents told them as diligently as possible. after all their dream was to be remembered as a good wife , and a good daughter who kept her family's honor until last moment. death is absence and that absence haunts us not everyday but someday , in some moments, in some memories. 

                       after all the ceremonies when my aatya sat in the car to leave , my father was sitting on a cot under the tamarind tree while tatya was standing nearby car. in that moment i realised what three of them have lost, my father swallowed his tears, while my aatya broke down but hiding herself with saree over her face. and tatya was standing there as if he had cried his share of tears. it was a moment where i, my brother, my kakis, my mummy were all unnecessary intrusions, it was a moment of three siblings, it felt as if some unspoken conversation has happened between them that now we three are what left of suryakant and saminderbai's tree and someday we will have to go but until then we are all there for each other. 

                        along with these three siblings, everyone has lost something , Now the ants have lost opportunity to steal her food, now many of the relatives lost the reason to visit the house, house itself has lost a long standing living partner and me , well this isn't a loss that I shall remember for long. lets just say she was a grandmother with whom I failed to create some deeper emotional engagement.